The 11 things I learned during a pandemic

COVID-19 and earth image

Those doomsday preppers weren’t so crazy after all

Like you, my dear readers, never in my life would I have thought I would be living through a pandemic. These are the stories of my grandparents, who told stories of having very little and having to “make due.”

I know nothing about “making due.” When we are released from quarantine, it will be like getting oranges in your Christmas stocking and having to be grateful for the fruit. You’ve heard those stories. But, here we are, making due.

1. Every hour is happy hour. 

That means at 9 am, if you want a beer, it is beer thirty; you’re an adult, go for it.

2. You can never have enough friends who are familiar with technology.

Skype, Facetime, Zoom are your NBF’s. Connecting with your friends and family is invaluable to your mental health and physical well being.

3. We have been cleaning our asses all wrong, and that’s just not ok.

Especially since the one thing we have been cleaning our asses with is gone from almost every store. Have no fear; a bidet will save you a world of worry and stress on running out of toilet paper. They have bidets that attach to your toilet seat and toilet tank and let me say, first hand, my ass has (almost) never been so happy.

4..When the president comes on the TV, it is time to turn to QVC or HSN.

They have no commercials or agendas, and you won’t have to hear that blabbering fool.

5. Alcohol clubs are the best thing since, ever.

Nothing beats never having to go to the liquor store again, and there is enough wine, whiskey, rum clubs out there to keep you stocked for the month. In fact, join every club you can, you will never have to step inside a store or mall again.

6. Those Doomsday Preppers weren’t so crazy after all.

Right now, these DDP’s aren’t worried if their food supply is going to run out anytime soon, and they certainly aren’t worried about toilet paper, they have giant spinach leaves. Their asses are literally prepared for the long haul.

7. Do not; I repeat, do not go running outside the minute the government announces that we are “safe.”

Stay the fuck home, and then watch and see what happens. Don’t trust it. Give yourself the time and space to see for your self if it really is safe to go outside.

8. Being quarantined is nothing like we thought it would be.

It’s exhausting. Why? I have no idea, but I think it has something to do with serotonin and oxytocin.

9. Doctor visits are easier and much better on Telechat.

Some of us, myself included, will absolutely have to have in-person doctor appointments, but if you can get an RX from the pot doc without going to his office, it’s a no brainer.

10. Everyone is not a singer.

I don’t care how much you sing in the shower or around the house, if you don’t have a good voice, don’t make videos and send them around the World Wide Web; I promise you are going to regret it when this is all over.

11. Governors have proven they are worth their weight in gold.

‘It is especially true in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and New York. But if you are in Florida, it might be time to get the fuck out of dodge.

Sam Martino
Maria Sammartino (aka Sam Martino), is a writer and artist for over 15 years. Maria started at Out In Jersey as the news editor in 2009, and shortly thereafter became the Editor-In-Chief. She has been published in the Philadelphia Gay News, The International Journal of MS Care, and others. Maria goes by Sam Martino because she believes that women are never given a fair shot - and doesn’t want her art or her writing to be judged based on her sex, but on the merit of the work.