When a lot of people think about Pride, they immediately picture ripped guys dancing in very little clothing. To be fair, yes, you will see that. But that’s not what everyone is looking for, nor is it their reality. There’s a world of guys who maybe don’t hit the gym as much or they enjoy carbs, and they’re also queer. I’m sure you’ve heard of “bears,” and they also celebrate Pride.
The Urban Bear runs several events for the community throughout Pride weekend and year-round. They billed this year’s celebrations as “proudly plus-sized,” pointing out on their website, “Every beat drops harder, every body shines brighter, and every inch is welcome.”
“I started it in the first place because I was attracted to bears, bigger, burlier men that were kind of outside of the cookie-cutter, what everyone expected gay men to be at that time,” said Robert Valin, founder of The Urban Bear. He’s been running events under the Urban Bear umbrella for the past 17 years.
The idea came from a bear event in California. “This event is incredible, there’s such a sense of community,” Valin explained. “You felt like you belonged no matter who you were or what you looked like.” He later told a friend, “Someone should start that here,” in New York City.
The friend looked back and responded, “You know a lot of people. Why don’t you do it?” And The Urban Bear was born. It started with a permit for a street fair, and now it has expanded to other cities besides New York.
Every year I’ve walked into the Pride Sunday party at Brass Monkey in Manhattan, it’s been wall-to-wall people on a warm June day. There are big men, often without shirts, throwing back a drink, kiki-ing with friends, and maybe kissing a guy or two. It’s a welcome respite from the outside world. “This Pride is an insane time,” Valin told me, “and the bears are looking for someplace to call their own.”
There are also bear go-go dancers. And like the clientele, they come in all shapes and sizes. Yes, there’s the muscular guy who could wear a potato sack and look hot. But there are also dancers with bellies, with hips, with thighs. They jiggle and don’t have visible abs. And contrary to conventional societal wisdom, they’re a hit.
On the rooftop, Joey climbed up on a platform near the bar and immediately started shaking it. I turned away for a few minutes to talk to a friend, and when I turned back, several guys had put cash tips under the elastic of his jockstrap. In that moment, a man with a bigger body was being celebrated as sexually desirable.
“Being considered hot or desirable is not limited to one body type,” he told me. “People often will tell me they’ve never seen a big guy dance so hard or do a cartwheel into a split before they saw me perform.” And that’s what’s so impressive about these go-go dancers: They don’t present as mainstream society’s definition of “healthy,” “normal” or “attractive,” but they have moves and they’re sexy.
Joey performs at bear parties all over New York City under the name Meaty Joey. And I say this with the utmost respect and admiration: the name is fitting. He’s a big boy who knows what he’s got. “Part of the go-go dancer’s job is to curate the vibe of the party,” he explained. “So if I’m confident in my body and in this shared space, they will feel that confidence too. I always joke that the most attractive body part is not my belly, but my self-confidence to rock the belly proudly.”
Valin has known Joey for a long time. “It’s wonderful to see him really blossoming.” And when people see him dance, they “feel like it’s okay for me to be big and sexy and just own who I am, be in the skin I’m in.”
You’ll find all kinds of types at these parties, especially in this current culture where we assign labels to define someone’s body type. There are bears, otters, cubs, chubs, chasers, and a whole series of other bodies all under one roof, and no one’s being judged for their looks. It’s okay to rub a belly or tell the guy with the round face he’s handsome without a grimace or stares.
That was the reason for starting a monthly party at G Lounge in Chelsea, called “Cake,” where Joey is the resident go-go. “There are a lot of people out there who are chubs, and they don’t necessarily feel comfortable coming to some of the bear events out there,” Valin explained. “You never know what someone’s attracted to.”
Partygoers see themselves in the people dancing up on those blocks, and it sends the message that they can feel sexy, regardless of their size. “That’s the most important part of doing Urban Bear for me,” Valin said, “creating a space where people feel like, ‘I belong here.’” It’s a place and event where inclusivity is paramount.
Some people have told Valin they’ve met their husbands and best friends at these events, and some took off their shirts in a bar for the first time, because they had struggled to feel confident in their bodies. “Bellies are the new six-pack,” he mused.
