Aries (Mar21-Apr20): The Planetary bonds which hold us all back these next two months hobble some of us more than others. You, dear Aries, are the most hobbled of us all. The more you struggle against current circumstances, the tighter your bonds will become. Try to relax, and enjoy your situation.
Taurus (Apr 21-May20): Despite both Mars and Saturn being retrograde, you will not be the proverbial bull in the china shop, causing mayhem. Thanks to your Moon being sextile both Mercury and Jupiter, you will almost be as nimble as a ballerina, avoiding the pitfalls and snares which trip up others.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): I’m afraid that you’re in for a bit of a bumpy ride; Mars has been grooving the payment in front of the place where you live, and Saturn keeps issuing stop work orders to the road crew in charge of smoothing things over (you didn’t vote for Christie). On the bright side, while you’re homebound, new love (rather than Jehovah’s Witness) ought to come knocking.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): They love you, they love you not. They need you; they can’t bear the sight of you. Your Moon keeps shaking up the already shaky equilibrium between Mars and Venus, and they just can’t see eye to eye where you’re concerned. Others might consider you addled or contrary, but this time, it’s not your fault.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22): April finds you tucked away in your lair, and you can’t be tempted to come out, as the retrograde Mars has inflicted many tiny wounds to your already battered pelt, and made you less than you really are. Fear not, in May your Moon draws down the healing balm of Jupiter and Venus, and you will emerge triumphant.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): So sad, summer school starts two months early for you. While all your buddies are out having a wonderful time (seemingly), your Planetary Schoolmasters have determined that you have not paid attention to your studies, so remedial study becomes necessary. Lessons are finally learned around May 9.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): It’s not so much that you’re afraid of your own shadow, it’s only that the illumination from Venus, your ruling planet, is obscured by the actions of Mars and your own Moon, and so, multiple shadows stalk you. In effect, you’re scaring yourself, and are your own stalker. Stop haunting yourself; let someone else do it.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): What with Mars being retrograde these next two months, you should by all rights be a miserable wretch. However, your Moon’s relationship with Mercury and Jupiter more than make up for this deficit. Aren’t you glad that you haven’t restricted your circle of friends, and that old lovers will still lend a hand in time of need?
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): The state of your relationships will be quite unsettled as we move into April, thanks to your Moon and Venus not being too happy with each other. We’ll all know about your dissatisfactions, because you will harp and carp about it. So charming. May will bring things back into alignment, just before you stuff a sock in your mouth.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): It’s not that everything you know is wrong, it’s just that it doesn’t seem to matter very much. We are all being weighed down by Saturn being retrograde, but it’s all the worse for you. You’ll just need to fall into a Sleeping Beauty sleep until this is all over. Go and pick out you laying out gown, and slumber on.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Time for you to stop sticking your nose (or other protuberances) into other people’s business (or orifices). Remember the old adage about Felix domesticus and curiosity. The results of your interference won’t be terminal, however; merely painful.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): While some might consider you merely spineless, I would prefer to think of you as versatile and extremely flexible, like a house cat of some other creature found around the house (see above). You will exhibit the ability to insinuate yourself into tight spaces, and to free yourself from them with equal ease.