Leo (July 23-Aug 22):
You generally thrive in the summer, and these next two months follow that trend. You and those Aries folks seem to be as fit as (fill in the blank). Your radiance makes us want to wear sunglasses whenever we’re around you (the better to steal discrete peeks).
I suppose you do, indeed, deserve our admiration, damn you!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22):
Darlings, you ought to be the most perfectly turned out of us all this season. From you owning the New Moon in August through to when autumn falls, things go your way, moving at the stately pace seen in “My Fair Lady.” Watch the “Ascot Gavotte” on Youtube, and be it.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22):
Stick to the facts, just the facts, and you should make it through to fall just fine. As Uranus is both retrograde and in opposition to your Moon, the most peculiar intuitions (all of them wrong) could get stuck in your noggin. You impulses are not your pals, discard them.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21):
Surprisingly, it is possible for you to have too much confidence in your talents and abilities, particularly when your Moon is square Jupiter (which happens both months, and don’t you just hate it). Just put something in your mouth when you’re bursting to shout out “I know how to do it”.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21):
Time for you to do your warm-up exercises, or drink your protein shake (or whatever it is you do; what do you do?). Get up your strength, as you will be in demand. No one can do without your presence, even if it’s just to stand around and be decorative. Along with you comes Jupiter, you’re in his entourage (so you count as two at the door).
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19):
Mars and Neptune just can’t keep their metaphorical hands off you this August, taking turns shading you vision and spinning you around until you’re staggering like a doodle bug. Needless to say, the double vision resulting from this jostling could set you on the wrong path until September. Accept another’s assistance to steady you.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18):
Love or finances take a turn for the worse during your Full Moon in August; or perhaps one depletes the other. It’s a bit unclear, as Saturn, Mercury, and the Sun goad you to do the wrong thing. Fear not, they stop jostling you in September, and you should be able to recoup in September. Forewarned is… (you finish the sentence).
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20):
Rather than swimming freely on your own currents in August, you will find yourself in a fairly small holding tank or tidal pool, where you feel trapped while the rest of the parade passes you by. Try to remain calm and occupy your mind profitably, and you’ll be free swimming again by the Harvest Moon on September 9th.
Well, the stars are certainly in your corner these next two months, at least in regards to the state of your body (your mind, not so much). It seem that it’s your duty to start a new regimen: get as ripped as possible. Don’t blame me; blame the Sun, Mars, and Jupiter for this improvement kick.
Taurus (Apr 21-May20):
Please be careful to not confuse what you might think you want with what you have actually done. Venus, your ruling planet, is ill-aspected in August. This, combined with your Moon squaring Jupiter to goading you to brag about things that have not yet happened or that you hope to do.
Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Despite your ruling planet, Mercury, being in a bad place for you, Venus and Jupiter take pity, and lead you along, wordlessly, towards notice and achievements. I guess we should be wary of the quiet ones, who just do and present surprising achievements.
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
This summer, you get to swim fairly close to the surface, getting a chance to show off your better aspects. Your movements attract enough favorable attention that we might actually believe in this new public image, acting all friendly-like. It’s a good position, can you maintain it?
Madame Zzaj is a Romanian Queen of all Queens