A new registry for straights who want to marry gays

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Casting Aspersions.

Oscar Wilde said “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” That being the case, our enemies in the Culture War cannot be accused of small-mindedness. Indeed, the breath-taking scope of their inconsistent thinking, free of all logic and valid structure, can only leave us humbled when we consider it. The issue of same-sex marriage is a classic example.

Back in the day when inter-racial marriage was in the forefront of the war on traditional values, the fundies all screamed “no, no, you can’t marry US! You have to marry each other. It’s God’s will – otherwise he wouldn’t have created separate races!”  Now that gays want to marry, they scream  “no, no, you can’t marry each other! You have to marry…ummmm….US! 

So, we evidently have a situation wherein conservative straights so detest us and are so adamant in denying us civil equality that they want to marry us to ensure we stay second class – like their straight wives. What a sacrifice of personal happiness this is for all those straight people who must surrender themselves to the cause of traditional values and marry a gay person in order to maintain the old order unblemished! They are evidently undaunted by the prospect of a lifetime of misery – forced to spend large sums on appropriate window treatments – hit with huge bills from florists and trendy clothing establishments – not to mention the exorbitant cost of clubbing these days when a single drink can cost $10 or more. 

All those middle-aged, church-going, Mid-Western insurance salesmen, car dealers and fast-food managers, all the ignorant-as-rocks Southern dirt farmers, all the fundie preachers and church ladies, black and white who form the phalanx of the religious right rise up in a body and say “marry US, if marry you must. WE will be the sacrifice on the altar of Keeping Things The Way We Think They’ve Always Been. WE will pay the bills. Most all, we will do without sex, living as virgins all our lives,” because after all, none of us want to have sex with ANY of those overweight, fashion challenged people with bad haircuts.

Personally, I am humbled by such willingness to sacrifice personal happiness for a greater ideal. The fact that in this case the ideal is a nasty-minded insistence on running other people’s lives in accordance with a theological doctrine based on the folk tales of a bronze-age tribe of desert nomads from three thousand years ago – people who thought the world was flat and you could have conversations with flaming shrubbery – in no way detracts from the nobility of the personal dedication displayed in this cause.

I am so overwhelmed with admiration for this spirit of sacrifice that we’d like to recognize and facilitate it. Out In Jersey will therefore offer its services to maintain a registry of all straight people who want to marry a gay person in the knowledge that they will have to pay all the bills and no sex will be involved. Please submit your name by email. Every registrant will receive our acknowledgment, profound thanks and referrals to qualified psychiatric help.

 

Casting Aspersions.

Oscar Wilde said “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” That being the case, our enemies in the Culture War cannot be accused of small-mindedness. Indeed, the breath-taking scope of their inconsistent thinking, free of all logic and valid structure, can only leave us humbled when we consider it. The issue of same-sex marriage is a classic example.