Faithful readers of this column will be used to me preaching, censuring, and criticizing. That being so, it is probable there are no faithful readers. I mean, I wouldn’t read this stuff! Who am I, after all, to be censuring me, and telling me what to do?
Be that as it may, I come to you today with a real message of hope. The giant, Deep Government, black hat project to find out every little thing about you has utterly failed. They know almost nothing, and most of that is wrong.
For years I have been oppressed — even frightened — by a growing sense of intimidation by the all-knowing, all-seeing presence of a malign super intelligence housed in a gigantic computer system secretly run by the government. It collects everything from my grocery purchases to my emails, text messages, Google searches, Amazon purchases and income tax. All of it, every jot and title of my existence.
I know that my every move is recorded
Even that illegal left turn I made the other day is recorded on one of the ever-present cameras and stored away to be used against me if I ever step out of line. There have been days when I have hesitated to leave the house. I know that my every move is recorded — except that within the house. The TV is watching me — even if it isn’t turned on.
Paranoia is the normal mental state of contemporary America. They’re watching us everywhere! Even the cat may be an informer. This entire vast ocean of data is correlated, and cross referenced, by the giant brain to pin me down more completely than even the old East German Secrete Police could have hoped for. At least that’s what I assumed. But I am here today to tell you not to fear. They got it all totally wrong.
Russian woman are anxious to date me
The woeful extent of the giant brain’s deviation from reality is evidenced by my complete lack of interest in “desirable Russian woman anxious to date you [me] today.” I cannot adequately express the depth of my non-interest in Russian woman. But my spam folder today alone contained no less than 34 pressing messages collectively swearing that what must be entire villages of “desirable Russian woman” are pinning all their hopes for a better life on me alone. This is not to mention their romantic fantasies of sexual gratification. Alas, these ladies are barking up a very wrong tree. In fact, they are in the wrong forest.
Second only to the Russian women in number are the messages assuring me I can increase the size of my penis. This can be accomplished by employing any number of nostrums and devices to be made available to me essentially as a public service. There is only the most modest charge for shipping, and a little something on the side.
Naturally someone obsessed with having sex with hoards of Russian women would require such services. So there is an understandable progression to these messages. This progression leads inevitably to a third message category: condoms, immune system boosters, and cures for sexually transmitted diseases. One thing just leads right on to another.
Let me state for the record that my penis, while not in any way a source of bragging rights or an award-winning subject of exhibition, has served faithfully for 72 years. Modest in its deportment, it has nonetheless fulfilled all functions required of it. I have absolutely no desire to …. I almost wrote ‘to screw around with it, but that wouldn’t be quite the right phrase, would it? Let’s say to engender feelings of inadequacy in it at this late stage of life.
What is going on?
There are of course, quite a lot of other wholly inappropriate messages in the spam folder. But the above-mentioned topics do lead the list. Why is the government doing this to me? Is it some insidious form of anti-gay therapy? Are they saying to themselves “sooner or later Grace will crack? NO ONE can resist Russian women indefinitely.”
Who is the government these days, anyway? I think its Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos. It certainly can’t be that clown in the White House. Come to think of it, given Trump’s apparent interest in Russian women of the… ummm… commercial variety, they probably have me cross-referenced as a Republican.
There ARE fund raising appeals from Republicans in the spam folder. You can see their thinking, “Aha! Grace is after Russian hookers, is he? He MUST be a Republican.”
On the bright side, when FEMA rounds up all the liberals and puts them in concentration camps, they won’t have me on the list. I’ll be on the outside, throwing wire cutters over the fence.
Anyway, whoever the government is, they’ve tagged me with all the wrong labels. They probably got YOU all wrong as well. They don’t know as much as they think they do. There is still hope. Except not for the Russian women — sorry.