In the 1970 film The Boys in the Band, Michael says, “You might as well be, everyone thinks you are,” referring to another character’s sexuality. This could easily be said about two close friends, where everyone assumes there is something more erotic going on. My January/February “Out Health” column “Friends Without Benefits” explored one aspect of this journey, that of developing healthy friendships between two people of dissimilar sexual orientations, where there might be the possibility of, or the suspicion of, a romantic attraction on the part of one of them.
Here we focus on the navigation of friendship between two people of the same sexual orientation, or between a straight man and a straight woman, where in both cases, a romantic relationship could be imaginable for both parties. Additionally, friends or partners might assume something more carnal than friendship was taking place.
The earlier article resolved that a good relationship, romantic or friendly, relies on trust and honesty, and has the potential to flourish when both parties are truthful about their intentions. The more self-awareness and self-regulation one has, the easier it will be to make healthy friendships. Much of the knowledge and skills that are valuable in mixed orientation friendships would be helpful in any setting. But in the case of, for example, two gay men, or of two lesbians, or especially of two bisexuals, the fact that both parties are part of the same dating pool must cause a host of complications.
Sexual history brings in an intricate entanglement. In a close-knit gay community, one would find it difficult to be friends with someone who was not an ex of several of their friends. And if one has a partner, how do they convince the partner of the chasteness of a new friendship?
New Jersey based licensed therapist and founder of Beyond Labels Counseling LLC, Antonio Quirindongo Jr., advises, “It’s really important that we’re very direct with our communication, and that we’re very transparent with what it is that we’re looking for, up front.”
This advice would be helpful between the two potential friends, and with the current partner, in explaining a budding friendship. Quirindongo continues, “I would recommend saying ‘Hey, why don’t the three of us hang out? Go out to dinner, have experiences.’ Allow your partner to see the dynamic firsthand. Because then that might help the partner to see that, ‘Oh, there’s really nothing here for me to worry about.’”
And what about being friends with an ex? If one starts eliminating exes from being potential friends, where it would follow that if all the ex’s friends would be out of the picture, too, would there be anyone left? Renowned neuroscientist, New Jersey-based sex therapist, and relationship specialist Nan Wise said, “There are a lot of people who have stories about the limitation of our capacity to self-regulate. When we are self-aware and mindful, and we navigate the relationship so that it’s no longer a sexual partnership, relationships can stay friendly. We can even be co-parents.”
Quirindongo adds, “There are a lot of people that, at the start, maybe found each other on Sniffies or Grindr, and they have sex. Then it’s, ‘Actually you’re pretty cool.’ And then they start talking and develop a friendship. What’s really important is that at some point there needs to be a discussion of, ‘What are we doing with this? Are we comfortable with maintaining a friendship while being sexually intimate with each other, or do we need to stop being sexually intimate to preserve and protect?’”
It may be the LGBTQ community that has expanded society’s depth in understanding the complex yet rewarding interplay of friendship and romance. Wise says, “The idea that we can be in community with people who are former lovers is probably something that we have learned more from the gay community, and from poly people, than the ‘traditional,’ vanilla, heterosexual people.”
Just as one might seek counseling for a romantic relationship, one can seek therapy for any kind of relationship, even friendship. Quirindongo says, “I’ve definitely seen friends come in asking for joint therapy to establish their relationship. The reason I call what I do ‘relationship counseling’ is because there are a lot of different types of relationships out there. It’s not just couples in romantic relationships, it’s also friendships.” There are also therapy groups. He adds, “It’s an opportunity not just to practice communication skills, but also to learn how to relate to people, how to listen, how to provide and receive support, and get feedback. I have a queer men’s therapy group that I run. It’s a nice opportunity to connect and practice those skills and then take it out into the real world as they meet people.”
Above all, it goes back to honesty, trust, and self-knowledge. Good friendships help keep a healthy society jaunting along. Talking helps. Self examination is crucial. Therapy can be constructive. In the wise words of Dr. Nan, “Be honest with yourself. Notice what you’re feeling and be emotionally intelligent about it.”
