Getting dressed for Jeff Sessions

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Out In Jersey magazine's Editor Emeritus Toby Grace
Out In Jersey magazine's Editor Emeritus Toby Grace
Sessions says Federal pot laws should be enforced

“All the world’s a stage — the men and women are but the players…” (Shakespeare) That being the case, it’s high time we insisted on the players being in correct costume. Would King Lear be wearing skinny Jeans? Would Hamlet be wearing shorts and a T-shirt? No! Never! Then why should we encounter male bank tellers without a tie and jacket? Can I really have confidence in a bank with such a casual attitude about handling my social security check? I think not! Bank tellers should be required by law to wear black suits with heavily starched, detachable, bat wing shirt collars, waistcoats and pocket watches — and that’s just one example for starters.

“Invasive” you say? Reactionary, antediluvian, absurd, out-of-step; all epithets you may hurl at me to no avail. When I say policemen, for example, should be wearing bell shaped helmets and blue, knee length coats with a double row of brass buttons, I am in fact in the forefront of what is clearly the most advanced thinking of the present administration in Washington. True the matter of professional dress codes has not yet been raised in Washington, but considering Attorney General Sessions’ new pronouncement about marijuana laws, surely such dress codes can’t be far behind. I’m just trying to stay ahead of the curve here.

You may object that the vast majority of citizens don’t want such dress codes, but that is entirely irrelevant. The great majority want legalized weed, as has been shown in poll after poll, and even in state ballot referendums, but that makes no difference to AG Sessions.

Neither does it matter to the Republicans in congress. The determination of this cabal of retrospective regenerates to return the entire nation to the era of unrestrained robber baron capitalism has nothing to do with the will and welfare of the people who elected them.

AG Sessions famously stated, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” We certainly want a nation of “good people,” don’t we? Goodness gracious yes! Of course, that does raise the problem of what we are going to do with all those “bad” people who fail to see the clarity and simplicity of the Sessions moral code. Locking them all up has turned out to be a complete disaster so it is clearly time for a new approach.

In line with the Attorney General’s fossilized notions of good and bad, the dress code plan is simplistic, regressive and, in a word, stupid. Thus, it fulfills all requirements of Sessions, the Republican legislators and the administration — a total win.

In the future, all persons convicted of marijuana offenses will be required, if male, to wear a black, 3 piece  suit, stiff collared white shirt, and bowler hat. Females must wear whalebone corsets and floor length dresses with a bustle. The problem of how to distinguish the pot offender from the honest bank clerk arises but could be dealt with by issuing badges to the bank clerks reading “not a pot offender — just someone dressing appropriately under the Sessions rules.”

It is well known that people tend to behave according to how they are dressed. Even in this era of relaxed standards, clothes send messages. A red dress at a funeral, for example, is still the height of rudeness and clearly sends the message that “I’m glad the old SOB is dead.” This being so, Victorian attire will stiffen the spine of all those slacker pot smokers and bring about the dawn of the Sessions inspired era of “Good People.”

You may wonder how this plan will go down with the general public. Of course, there will be a liberal backlash, but that vast hoard of Trump voters who have shown themselves to be largely bone ignorant troglodytes who will believe pretty much anything they are told by Breitbart, will embrace the plan wholeheartedly — as long as it is presented as an element of “family values.”  Sessions leads the way to a bright, new yesterday.